Your boyfriend’s best friend is a girl.
What it comes down to is, do you trust him? You may not know in the beginning and hopefully he hasn’t given you any reason not to, but if you’re anything like me, it’s not him you don’t trust it’s her. I’ve been in three relationships where my man’s best friend was a girl. In my first relationship it didn’t matter because we ran in the same friendship circles so it was completely natural for them to be hanging out with his girl friends and me to hang out with my guy friends. In college it was slightly more complicated. My boyfriend was blind to the fact that his best friend was in love with him and it took me almost leaving him, after she pulled one of her famous “I need you to walk me home” tricks, for him to finally choose her or me. In my most recent relationship, unfortunately his best friend won, but really it should never come down to that. Here a few guidelines in having the initial conversation so you can all live in this Eco-system.
You may not know in the beginning and hopefully he hasn’t given you any reason not to, but if you’re anything like me, it’s not him you don’t trust it’s her.
In the beginning of a relationship you want to seem carefree and open to learning about his friends, family and hobbies. This is a great time to get some background on his female best friend without seeming jealous or possessive. Ask him how they met, funny stories he experienced with her and how often they talk. This will help you gauge the depth of their relationship and also gives you a baseline to compare his behavior to later down the road in case she makes it a little rocky. If he doesn’t offer it up, ask if she’s dating someone and suggest a double date. If she’s single, ask to hook her up with one of your guy friends to see how he reacts. The best way to get your guy’s best friend off of him is to give her another beau to be interested in.
Without being fake, ask to meet her and get a conversation going. Ask her the same questions about their friendship and see if her answers are similar to his. Then, get to know about her. Who does she hang out with? Does she have a lot of girl friends? What are her hobbies? If she sounds like someone you could be friends with, aside from your romantic relationship with her best friend, start hanging out with her! Shopping, movies, working out, whatever keeps you in the know on her life and what she’s doing. The more you know about her the better you can tell if you need to be suspicious. If she’s slow to let you in, ask your beau if she’s hard to get to know and ways to connect with her. Make sure he knows you want to be her friend for his benefit and you want advice on how to go about making an effort with her.
If she seems okay by the end of this step, chances are, you have nothing to worry about and you may even have found a new friend. If she’s apprehensive and shies away from getting close to you, keep reading.
Begin the Inquisition
If warning signs are going off, sit your guy down and discuss this girl friend of his. It doesn’t have to be a big production buy say something along the lines of, “as we’re getting more serious I want to talk about so and so.” List out and discuss some of the things that are bothering you, especially if she’s flirty. Ask him why she doesn’t want to do anything with the two of you, why she’s shying away from being your friend, etc. If he gets weird, calmly ask questions so it looks like you’re trying to see his point of view. It’s better you know their deal now, rather than a few months down the road, after you’re more heavily invested. He may just be obvious and it takes a gentle hand to help guide him back to you. If need be, set some ground rules of things you are and are not comfortable with her and him doing along now that you’re an exclusive couple. Communication is key in a relationship, save the game playing for the courting process.
Set up the Ultimatum
Hopefully it never comes to this but, if your beau and his best friend are really tight, and she just doesn’t like you, it probably will. Enter cautiously and be prepared. You have a few choices. You can buck it up and deal with it, while hoping it gets better. You can go to her directly, woman to woman, and try to work it out. Or, you can again tell him you’re just not okay with his relationship with her, and you need to come up with a solution that works for everyone. Depending on his answer, you can fight or flight. If he’s willing to talk it means he wants to fight for you and any feelings she may have for him probably aren’t reciprocated. If this is the case, set ground rules, keep communication about her clear but don’t dwell on it constantly. If he’s not backing down, save yourself the heartache take a step back to decide if this relationship is really something you want to pursue.
If all else fail, do this.